Turnpikes and Tollways

Okay, I understand that states are having difficulties keeping up with road repairs. I even admit that the decision to have toll roads makes some sense, at least when the tolls are used to cover the costs of needed repairs. However, when I'm driving on them, and I find they are not maintained any better than other primary throughfares, I am not happy. I'm also not happy to find the wide tollboth is usually the one that remains unmanned. That forces RVs and semitrucks to squeeze into the smaller space along with all the cars. Before Angela transitioned, she was NOT the cool-headed driver she is now. HE would have given the attendant an earful over having to test every driving skill available to avoid scraping the mirrors and paint off the RV while paying for the privilege of using these poorly maintained roadways. Yes, someone deserves to have their ears blasted for the situation, but not the attendants. So, yep, this is another Best Thing About Being Married to a Transsexual. I love her supurb driving and her level headed attitude.

Happy Birthday to Angela

Today is Angela's Birthday - well, one of them. It's the Anniversary of her SRS. There were a few years when she celebrated her "real" birthday, the date she began hormones, the date she began to dress full time, AND the date of her sex reassignment surgery. As you might imagine, being a woman, she expected gifts for each of these occasions. I indulged her initially, and then I began to whittle down the dates until it was just two - her natal day, and her arrival day. After we retired, she elected to maintain only her original birthday, as that is when her family celebrates it with cards, letters, and gifts.

I can't, however, let this day pass, because it is important in ways far more noteworthy than merely a date on a calendar. Officially, for sixty years, she existed in the wrong body. She hid herself. She hid from her parents, siblings, relatives and friends, and then she hid from her wife and daughter as well as more friends and colleagues. She became withdrawn, depressed, angry, and more and more unhappy with each passing year. Finally, she confessed to me. She was sure I was going to leave her, divorce her, and take our daughter with me. She was sure she'd loose her family and all her friends. Instead, she found - and freed - her true self.

She became a woman somewhat gradually, starting out as a closet cross-dresser, and then, after her dramatic revelation, she dressed openly. We joined Tri-ess, got counseling, and discovered that Angela's belief that she should have been born a woman was real. We began to follow the Harry Benjamin Standards as we moved towards her SRS. We had the help of excellent professionals, particularly our councilor and psychologist, Sally Hunt.

Her surgeon was a marvel, and we certainly recommend Dr. Brassard from Montreal, Canada. His clinic and staff are wonderful, and his recovery lodge is delightful. We both wish all who make this transition an equally outstanding medical team.

Now, Angela is ALL woman! She wears blue jeans and sweatshirts sometimes, and she isn't always in heels. Inside her, though, she's dressed to the nines - or even the tens or elevens, if you ask me. The reality is that she is happy. She IS Angela, and she's all mine. If this transition hadn't happened in 02, we would have been divorced, and both of us would have been unhappy. We would have lost our soul-mate, and we would be without our true selves. We are individuals, but we are part of a team, a twosome, and we are a couple. We couldn't be happier.

Happy Birthday, Angela, I love you!

How'd a week get by while I wasn't looking?

Okay, it's December, and the days whiz by. I know that; gads, I can't believe a whole year has zipped by me, much less a week! BUT, I do TRY to not let so many days get by me between posts.

I admit to being worse since Kathryn died. I miss her so much. It's been a month and 4 days right now. She died in my arms at 11:35 p.m. I hate it. That's not to take away the fact that I love our other two dogs, but Kathryn was special. We all have those special pets, and she was one. So, I get lost sometimes, just thinking about her and missing her. Angela has been a sympathetic comfort as she misses her too.

I like winter, but I don't like damp cold, and that's what we've had of late. I get house bound and that means lots of reading and snuggling in. Now, when we lived in snow country, I liked to walk in the snow (No, I didn't like driving on ice at all!), even when there was a blizzard out. We lived in South Dakota, and I grew up in Ohio and Kansas. Angela grew up near Buffalo, and she thrives in winter weather. That means she is always up for raking leaves, trimming trees, and all that outdoor stuff. Good thing, or I'd stay indoors for half our winter months. She takes the baby out to play in the leaves. I go out and take pictures, then return to snuggle in with my book. I love her to death.

We've been RVing too - and it was cold at Duncan Mills (near the coast along the Russian River). We had dirty dog feet problems, but we overcame them with love and patience. Bless Angela's heart. Since we've been back, she jury rigged an extension on our outdoor RV hose so we can wash the dogs feet outside in warm water (we've been using a pan of warm water). She also made a duck board so they won't be standing in mud. Now, that's not only helpful, but above and beyond the call of duty! See what I mean about the bennies of being married to a T.

So, that's how the time gets by me. I'm just blessed with an understanding T that I love to death!

Loss

There's a lot of comfort in a hug or a hand on the shoulder. They have the most power in times of passion and sorrow. We loss those who are special to us in different ways. Sometimes a dear friend moves away and chooses not to stay in contact. In that case only memories linger, generally of times of laughter and shared experiences. The loss though is "casual," the pain of the loss is a memory with distance. The loss of a dear parent, a sibling, or child is front and center of our day to day life. Even the thought of such a loss brings compelling sadness; then when it happens it is devastating for days. Weeks and months pass before the hole fills with memories; Years pass as the loss softens into the touch of feelings. The loss of a pet, too, brings harsh emptiness for a long time. The hugs and touch of those closest to us wash us with love as we face those losses. Angela is particularly good at knowing just the right time to reach out with a hug, a pat on the shoulder, or a personal gaze with meanings of nothing but love and support. I treasure the knowledge that each loss is abrogated by her enduring love and caring. There has been no immediate loss, although both of my parents recently passed away, and now two of my pets are seriously ill. Even so, Angela always seems to know when I'm lost in a memory of those losses, or the impending ones. She appears from somewhere, and out of the blue, reaches for me to touch or draw me into a hug. It's a special bond we've only shared since her transition. I bless the day she began following the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care including hormones, real life test and her final transition.

Transition isn't easy for everyone..

There are lots of ways to transition. It's harder for those who have family that aren't understanding, and that is the case for about 90+% of the Ts we know. But then - we did things a little differently than most. First off, we went slowly; we followed the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care. We had a good councilor who was a GLBT+ specialist. She helped with understanding everything that was going on, and took the lead with the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care. Secondly, we brought the family along gently with no big arguments. Instead, we told them what was going on, let them ask questions, provided back up material and were very understanding of their discomfort. We had to be prepared to accept the fact that not everyone was going to agree with what was going on, and that we might lose that friend or family member. That didn't mean we would stop loving them, but if they chose to disassociate themselves from us, well, that was their choice. We were fortunate in that our families stayed with us (save one of Angela's sisters, and a sister-in-law). We don't see them; their choice. We sought out support organizations, and we formed our own. We started with nationally known organizations, and they were a big help. PFLAG, Society for the Second Self (Tri-S), and Transgender groups. We did our research before we went to family. We watched and taped documentaries when they were on TV. We read everything we could find about transitions. We got good doctors to prescribe Angela's hormones, we went to a nationally known T surgeon for Angela's SRS, we checked and double checked everything. We found that for most of the Ts that had a hard time things got easier for most of them when they got involved with support groups, started following the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care, and when they slowed down and quit trying to insist everyone join their cause immediately.

I'm in love

I'm in love - with the person who first set my heart ablaze - as a song by Cole Porter says (from the play Out Of This World). I'm in love with Angela, and that makes me very happy. I'm in love with a lot of things, actually: our daughter and granddaughter, our doggies, lots of friends, our home, and all that other stuff, but mostly I'm in love with Angela. What a change that is from thinking about divorcing David. That was years ago, of course, but it was a consideration. We just weren't getting along. We were still in love, we still had good sex, we still liked all the same things, but our day to day living had lost the sparkle. We fought often, and just didn't see eye to eye about how our lives were going. Angela's transition changed all that. Part of it was hormonal changes that altered her way of seeing the world. Most of it though was just letting her be who she needed to be. As soon as she was at peace with herself - her body in line with what her mind knew she really was - life was good - for both of us. I'm in love with her mind, body and soul. Being at a wedding this weekend left me reflecting on 42 years of marriage. The first part was good, after Audra was born it was even better, and then things started falling apart. Angela was so withdrawn and unhappy that it spilled over into everything. We disappeared in that morass. That was a shame because we really loved each other. The depression and stress he carried filled up the space love used to occupy. Things got better when he found out it was okay with me if he wanted to dress up; things improved even more dramatically when he began the Harry Benjamin standards of care, got onto hormones, got counciling and started moving toward sex reassignment surgery. When s/he began his real life test life got good again, for both of us. Now all that transition is over, and Angela is just Angela, and I love her to death! She is just so delightful. It's great to be in love! Yeah, being in love is another Best Thing About Being Married to a Transsexual!

Speaking to university classes & professionals

Wow! What an opportunity we have each time we speak to a university class!
It's always surprising to find that so few people have interacted with anyone in the Transgender world. Many have friends that are gays or lesbians, but they (lesbians and gays) are NOT Transgendered.
Here are two brief explanations: Transgendered folks have GENDER issues, not sex issues. Gays and Lesbians are generally happy with their gender; people who fall into the Transgender side are not: they include the TQI+ area (Transsexuals, Questioning individuals, Inter-sexed folks [who used to be known as hermaphrodites] and the plus refers to a plethora of other initials now being used by those who have not found their place within their gender.

There is a difference between sex and gender: Your sex is between your legs - most folks were born either male or female . Your gender is in your brain. With most folks, the two match; with those in the Transgender world, their bodies tell them one thing, and their brain tells them another. Many Ts and Is are still closeted/stealth, and so it is that few people know that a relative or friend may fall into the Transgender categories. That being said, there are some of us who are willing to speak to classes, social service forums and other gatherings to make certain that professionals are aware and knowledgeable on the subject of the Transgender community.

Because we, Angela and I, are fortunate to still be happily married, we are unusual within the Transsexual community since most couples end up divorced when someone changes sexes. Most Ts lose jobs and their entire family: spouses, parents, children, extended family and their closest friends - Not all, but most. It's unfortunate. Here's my view: if you love the person, it doesn't matter. In fact, if you were to look at it another way: society would expect one to stay with a spouse who was paralyzed by an accident or stroke. They'd say, unequivocally - "they're the same person." But, tell "society" that your spouse is going to change gender, and the usual first question is, "how could you even consider staying with them?!" Isn't that strange? It is to me.

We have been very blessed: Our family is in tact. Our parents and extended families are supportive and accepting. My friends have remained steadfast. However, very few of Angela's friends remained with us. We have since made fast friends with many who know Angela as a Transsexual. Our son-in-law and his family are accepting as well. Again, that is not the case for most in the Transgender world, particularly not for those who are Transsexual.

Back to the speaking subject: The students, often masters level or above, and professionals have excellent questions. They are interested and inquisitive. We always applaud those who ask questions! We find that most are happy to learn those in the Transgender community are not freaks and weirdos, just normal folks with families who happen to have an issue with their gender. They are just like us - you and me. You'll be surprised by how many folks that you now know that will come out of the closet one of these days and tell you they are Transgendered. It will be great if you can remain part of their lives, as family or friend. You'll find they are delightful to know. I promise, because I'm married to one - and it was the best thing that could have happened. Angela's transition freed her to be her delightful self, free from a life of hiding who she really was.

If you are in the Transgender community, please follow the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care. Make your transition easier and healthier for you and for those around you.

Read a bit more about us in the San Francisco On the Couch feature:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/12/09/CMTUT436A.DTL

Send a comment, ask a question (or 2, or 3 - or more!), give me your email address, and I'll email you back!

One of the Best Things about Living with a Transsexual

Holidays. David used to hate them, but Angela loves them. She gets right in there with the decorating, cooking and all the folderol surrounding the sport of the big day. We have 16 people coming for Thanksgiving. That would be daunting for many, but Angela takes it in stride. First off, because through many of the last years, we've hosted support groups at our home; first in the cross-dressing stages, then through the Real Life Test and long since (it's been nearly 6 years since the SRS). We sometimes had more than 20 people for those, and they always included dinner. So, 16 is a piece of cake, right? Well, not exactly, at least not when you are doing all the cooking, which we did 4 years ago, with modest additions by the visiting troops. This year, outside of munchies before the meal, we are only providing the venue. That means china, silver, decor, loads of glasses and serving dishes, and etc. Now, just cleaning the silver is an undertaking, not to mention crystal and such. I do believe in using my good stuff, but not daily. So, that means a pass through the suds, of course. Oh yeah, I'm also doing two pies. Angela immediately dives into the work with me. I hand her the stuff I dig out of the cupboards. She polishes on the silver while I douse the dishes, crystal and serving pieces. She washes the silver while I dry. I do the dough as she does the filling. We both listen for the buzzers while they cook. She isn't as strong as David was, so it takes us both to carry in the heavy banquet table, and we share the load with carrying in the extra chairs. You get the point here. There is NO grumbling. Instead, I see it in a smile, we share some jokes, and I get lots of hugs and kisses (flour or polish filled usually) as we work. It feels as warm as a holiday gathering. I'm thankful for the change.

Hello, welcome to our life after Sex Reassignment Surgery

Hello,

Day one of a blog is pretty scary, especially on a subject that's just-a-tad unusual - like transmarriage. Here's the reality though, I'm married to a post-op transsexual, and I'm happy about it, hence the name of this blog.

If you want the details, see About Me. Here's the short version:
Married 1966 to David, a Lieutenant in the A.F.
Followed the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care
We survived all the stages of cross-dressing and hormones (it's great fun to have a teenage daughter going through puberty that is REALLY your 50+ year old husband!)
SRS (sex reassignment surgery) 2002.
On the Discovery Channel Documentary Changing Sexes: Male to Female - still airing

I consider the rest of our life our REAL LIFE TEST. This blog is for me and you. I want to share our lives, ask and answer questions, and get to know fellow trans families. There are other marrieds out there, and others facing decisions about being with trans, whether it's a spouse, a child, a friend, coworker or neighbor. Let's talk. Let's share our stories. I'll answer questions willingly, but not diatribes and not ugliness. I know there are folks out there who will disagree with me about transfolks and marriage. I'll agree to let you have your opinions, and I'll have mine. No fights and no fouls. Let's be friends.

See you tomorrow.