Let me tell you that I was SORE. I was sore ALL OVER in fact. Worse, I was in that state for several days. Why? We decided to put down a new floor.
In my earlier post I noted that Angela recently had rotor cuff surgery. This all happened a few weeks before that.
Angela's arm was beginning to give her some pain, but you already know that she can't be without a project for long, and I greatly appreciate that fact. So, since we'd been talking about replacing our aging linoleum floor for months, we decided to go ahead.
First, one must take up the old before putting down our new tile. I won't even go into the joy of trying to find that bit of ceramic bliss. Trust me when I say the choices for anything with any hint of gray in it was quite limited. Anyway, cutting through the layer of linoleum was easy, lifting it off the floor was less so, but still no strain for either of us. Then came the reason for my sore arms, body, and psyche: taking up the glue.
Lots of adhesive remained on the floor. Angela quickly discovered scraping away at it was too painful. Oh yes, we spent money on miracle removers, all guaranteed to turn the glue into liquid. Don't believe the hype. They all fall into the category of Buyer Beware. Save your money and just put down copious amounts of water, let it soak, and develope some muscle as you scrape away the gunk. Even so, Angela just couldn't do it. I quickly volunteered and made her go work on "something else." I had no idea four days of scraping that impossibly difficult to remove stuff from our cement foundation would leave me hardly able to lift my arms, much less anything else. Arnold the Swartz would have been sore; Hercules would have been sore; and I was beyond sore. Angela was most complimentary, or course, but I saw the twinkle in her eyes and the quiet chuckle that followed her "nice job, atta girl, and nice bicepts."
When I finished, she patiently set about cutting and laying the tile. It was my turn to say the same phrases along with the twinkle and chuckle. The tile wasn't so heavy that it hurt her arm, but she did have to get into a few awkward positions, so she had her share of Ouch moments.
Now we sit back and enjoy the new look of our pantry, laundry room, and third bathroom. A little shared pain never hurt any marriage.
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
They Touched My Heart - A Birthday/Anniversary to Remember
Angela and Audra threw me a surprise birthday on Saturday. Oh, yes, I had an inkling something was afoot, but I wasn't sure when, what, or where much less that it was to be a surprise party. They'd arranged for friends to take me off to see art galleries in a nearby town. One even convinced me she had a dinner party to go to later, so I was sure nothing was going on that day. Cars were parked well away from our home, so I had no suspisions until I opened the door. I confess to being totally surprised to see so many good friends inside.
My feet hadn't crossed the threshold before Angela presented me with a full-sized, blown-up version of a walker, complete with many well-known saying about the aged. Before I could move into the room, I had to first maneuver through a trail of orange cones - to prove I could get along with my new contraption. The livingroom was decorated in my favorite sea-green. I was quickly turned around to view the dining room table, very modern, of course, to see not a birthday cake, but a perfect replication of our wedding cake! Angela had had it made to specs, thanks to pictures from our album, and yes, it cost her a small fortune (but it was soooo yummy). There were three layers instead of four - lemon, chocolate, and spice. They were all good, but the spice was wonderful, to die for, and the flavors matched our original. Only the white cake layer was missing, but from the way folks chowed down on what was there, the one exception wasn't missed. You see, our 45th wedding anniversary is a month away, and Angela decided to combine wedding and birthday. They also served a delicious meal.
Audra, not to be out done, had compiled a video using pictures from our various family albums following me from birth to grandma. It was great fun to see all the old pictures, not to mention noting how thin I used to be. There were lots of questions and comments of course and a few laughs as well. Everyone oh'd and ah'd over the wedding pictures and the sailboat we lived and traveled on for two years.
The grandchildren and doggies were well mannered and adorable. Brooke, the four year old spoke with the adults using all her three and four syllable words, and the two year old Bree entertained everyone with her delightful smile and descriptions of how she helped put up the decorations. As for the doggies, there wasn't a bark or growl, an underfoot toy, or a anything beyond lots of tailwagging and puppy kisses.
When I stood to give my little speech, there wasn't a person in the room that I didn't have a short story about. All mean a great deal to me, and they had given special parts of themselves and helped me along the way over the years. All of them had welcomed Angela into their lives without hesitation.
Angela and Audra had pulled off their first surprise party and touched my heart in ways they can't imagine. Angela's loving thoughtfulness about the cake, and Audra's time and effort producing the powerpoint life review were remarkable. They touched my heart.
My feet hadn't crossed the threshold before Angela presented me with a full-sized, blown-up version of a walker, complete with many well-known saying about the aged. Before I could move into the room, I had to first maneuver through a trail of orange cones - to prove I could get along with my new contraption. The livingroom was decorated in my favorite sea-green. I was quickly turned around to view the dining room table, very modern, of course, to see not a birthday cake, but a perfect replication of our wedding cake! Angela had had it made to specs, thanks to pictures from our album, and yes, it cost her a small fortune (but it was soooo yummy). There were three layers instead of four - lemon, chocolate, and spice. They were all good, but the spice was wonderful, to die for, and the flavors matched our original. Only the white cake layer was missing, but from the way folks chowed down on what was there, the one exception wasn't missed. You see, our 45th wedding anniversary is a month away, and Angela decided to combine wedding and birthday. They also served a delicious meal.
Audra, not to be out done, had compiled a video using pictures from our various family albums following me from birth to grandma. It was great fun to see all the old pictures, not to mention noting how thin I used to be. There were lots of questions and comments of course and a few laughs as well. Everyone oh'd and ah'd over the wedding pictures and the sailboat we lived and traveled on for two years.
The grandchildren and doggies were well mannered and adorable. Brooke, the four year old spoke with the adults using all her three and four syllable words, and the two year old Bree entertained everyone with her delightful smile and descriptions of how she helped put up the decorations. As for the doggies, there wasn't a bark or growl, an underfoot toy, or a anything beyond lots of tailwagging and puppy kisses.
When I stood to give my little speech, there wasn't a person in the room that I didn't have a short story about. All mean a great deal to me, and they had given special parts of themselves and helped me along the way over the years. All of them had welcomed Angela into their lives without hesitation.
Angela and Audra had pulled off their first surprise party and touched my heart in ways they can't imagine. Angela's loving thoughtfulness about the cake, and Audra's time and effort producing the powerpoint life review were remarkable. They touched my heart.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Small Steps Toward Freedom from Fear
There were protests, and then people knew that those in the GLBT+ spectrum would no longer be ignored. Openly "out" parades began, and straight people enjoyed watching, and some even supported them. Supportive organizations began, like PFLAG (and others), and they saw their membership grow. Lobbyist appeared at legislative offices, and bills began to be introduced. Domestic Partnerships were allowed here and there, and states didn't crumble and churches didn't die. In fact, many churches found new members to increase their fold. Welcoming those in the GLBT+ family showed love and acceptance was a better way to follow one's choice of God. Marriages began to happen, and Love spread. Don't Ask / Don't Tell fell, and patriotic men and women will now serve openly.
Freedom for those in our GLBT+ family is coming. We'll soon be equal to the rest of you. That's a tremendous gift to the young people in our community. It shows them that if they can hang on until they are adults, they may be able to lead a normal life.
I'd like to be able to show "our" youth that they can be accepted even while they are still youngsters, pre-teen, teens, and young adults. I'd like to see the bullying, name calling, and hatred stop. Wouldn't you?
Freedom for those in our GLBT+ family is coming. We'll soon be equal to the rest of you. That's a tremendous gift to the young people in our community. It shows them that if they can hang on until they are adults, they may be able to lead a normal life.
I'd like to be able to show "our" youth that they can be accepted even while they are still youngsters, pre-teen, teens, and young adults. I'd like to see the bullying, name calling, and hatred stop. Wouldn't you?
Saturday, July 18, 2009
What am I?
Angela and I speak to groups often, and when we do, this question always comes up: "Are you lesbians?"
I have a quick answer: "I'm a Straight Lesbian." I say that, not to make light of who and what I am, but to point out that labels seldom tell the whole story. I certainly married "straight." I am a woman who married a man. If I simply said, "Yes, I'm a lesbian," I'd be denying 35 years of marriage to a man. I would also be denying that Angela existed as another person (David) and all that his, and our, life was while Angela was David.
There is no question that we now are Lesbians, at least in the context of "if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it must be a duck." We each love one another, we are both women, and we make love to one another, so we are "tada!" - Lesbian. Of course, the same things were true for us as man and wife for more than 35 years too. So, perhaps, I'm "Bisexual." Does that mean I'm not Lesbian any more?
Labels are just confusing. Oh, they are great for speaking about groups of people: men who are attracted to men are considered Homosexuals, and women who are attracted to women are considered Lesbian. Both were, or are, considered Queer and/or Gay, mostly depending on the age of the person doing the talking. Things get a little sticky when you try to pin an indiviual down though.
I think I'll stick with Straight Lesbian.
I have a quick answer: "I'm a Straight Lesbian." I say that, not to make light of who and what I am, but to point out that labels seldom tell the whole story. I certainly married "straight." I am a woman who married a man. If I simply said, "Yes, I'm a lesbian," I'd be denying 35 years of marriage to a man. I would also be denying that Angela existed as another person (David) and all that his, and our, life was while Angela was David.
There is no question that we now are Lesbians, at least in the context of "if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it must be a duck." We each love one another, we are both women, and we make love to one another, so we are "tada!" - Lesbian. Of course, the same things were true for us as man and wife for more than 35 years too. So, perhaps, I'm "Bisexual." Does that mean I'm not Lesbian any more?
Labels are just confusing. Oh, they are great for speaking about groups of people: men who are attracted to men are considered Homosexuals, and women who are attracted to women are considered Lesbian. Both were, or are, considered Queer and/or Gay, mostly depending on the age of the person doing the talking. Things get a little sticky when you try to pin an indiviual down though.
I think I'll stick with Straight Lesbian.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Looking for answers in all the wrong places
I’ve got a frustrated patient on my hands. Angela is in pain from a serious rash that the docs just can’t seem to pin down. She’s had this for over a month, and we’ve done tests galore. Nothing specific turns up. The good news is that we keep deleting “bad things this could be,” as the docs say. “It’s not her heart, it’s not leukemia, it’s not . . .” You get the idea.
We’re still waiting for results on Valley Fever. Meanwhile, her rash keeps getting worse, and her various other symptoms continue. She’s coping with the heavy night sweats (no, they aren’t hot flashes), the low-grade fever, the cough, tiredness, lack of strength, and shortness of breath. But, she is not dealing well with the rash (no, it’s not shingles). She keeps asking me, “What should I do?” I guess I should take that as a good sign. She still looks to me even as frustrated as she is, and in as much pain as she’s in. I just wish I had an answer besides, “call the doctor, and make another appointment.” Yes, SHE actually goes-to-the-doctor! That's a Best Thing About Being Married to a Transsexual, but it's still hard to watch someone you care about deal with discomfort.
We’re still waiting for results on Valley Fever. Meanwhile, her rash keeps getting worse, and her various other symptoms continue. She’s coping with the heavy night sweats (no, they aren’t hot flashes), the low-grade fever, the cough, tiredness, lack of strength, and shortness of breath. But, she is not dealing well with the rash (no, it’s not shingles). She keeps asking me, “What should I do?” I guess I should take that as a good sign. She still looks to me even as frustrated as she is, and in as much pain as she’s in. I just wish I had an answer besides, “call the doctor, and make another appointment.” Yes, SHE actually goes-to-the-doctor! That's a Best Thing About Being Married to a Transsexual, but it's still hard to watch someone you care about deal with discomfort.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Goofy Little Things
If it's little thing that count, then it's the goofy ones that give us glimpses of a deeper love shared by two people. It’s just a touch or a smile sometimes, or perhaps it’s a special inside joke or action that warms our heart: While Angela and I were on our honeymoon we saw an older couple walking together slowly. The wife clung, with one hand, to her husband’s bicep like it was a lifeline. He reached across her - with the same arm - to hold her other hand. That is how they strolled around Niagara Falls. Occassionally, one or the other of us will grab the other's bicept and walk along a sidewalk. We may look strange to others, but we're sharing a fond memory.
Chitty, Chitty Bang, Bang is a movie we've always enjoyed. Not far into the movie, Grandpa “helps” push a car by placing a single finger on his grandson’s back. We chuckle over this scene often. Now, in fact, we find ourselves imitating them just-for-fun. Doing so brings back fond memories and links our present to pleasant events in our lives.
Chitty, Chitty Bang, Bang is a movie we've always enjoyed. Not far into the movie, Grandpa “helps” push a car by placing a single finger on his grandson’s back. We chuckle over this scene often. Now, in fact, we find ourselves imitating them just-for-fun. Doing so brings back fond memories and links our present to pleasant events in our lives.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
If You're Happy And You Know It
I have to admit that I've noticed this year passing more than most because I've seen how our granddaughter has grown and changed over the year. (Watch any child and you'll see time passing before your eyes.) She's the delight of my heart, of course.
I don't mind the year passing, perhaps because it's been filled with good memory-making days. Brooke, of course, is first on that list, as are all the silly and fun things Angela and I have managed to get ourselves into. I've never mourned a year. I don't want to go back to any of them, even those I consider "the best." I'm one of those "onward looking" folks who drive others crazy. I like looking back at memories; I have lots of scrapbooks I look through from time to time even. But, they aren't any of the things that keep me going. I'm curious about What Happens Next. I want to know about the next great discovery in science and medicine. I want to see what new things Brooke discovers. We're are expecting a new granddaughter come summer, and I know I'll enjoy great times with her too.
I can't say getting older is any picnic, but it does have it's good things. There is more time to myself, time to try new things and do all those things I wanted to do, or should've done, through the years. I have time to spend with Brooke; I have time to go RVing; I have time to work on a memoir about Angela's transition and a fictional story too. I can sit and read a book, or take a nap, or write to a friend (yes, I still write actual letters as well as email). Most of all though, I can enjoy time with Angela. Although we've been married 42 years, I've wanted to know this new person Angela more and more. She's almost 9 if you count from her SRS (sex reassignment surgery), and you know how 9-year-olds are - a little silly, a little snugly, a little of all sorts of this and that. Well, that's Angela all over. She's into everything, way more than me, so I learn lots of stuff from her. I think I read a lot, but she puts me to shame. I read about a book a week; She's finished three. I read one magazine a week, and she reads three. She knows the news before it's news half the time. Isn't that great? Between Angela and Brooke, I don't have a chance to feel older.
Okay, there are a few more aches and pains around than when I was 20, but So What! I'm healthy, and most important, I'm happy. I love Angela, Audra, Brooke, my puppies, and all the rest of my family. I love to see what Angela and Brooke are going to come up with each day, individually and together. I love seeing Audra grow as a woman and mother, and I enjoy seeing her marriage grow. I love watching my puppies play, although I still miss Kathryn the Great more than I can say (she died in November), I love Snowball's Chance and Cassandra. I just plain love each day. I hope you do too. Happy New Year!
I don't mind the year passing, perhaps because it's been filled with good memory-making days. Brooke, of course, is first on that list, as are all the silly and fun things Angela and I have managed to get ourselves into. I've never mourned a year. I don't want to go back to any of them, even those I consider "the best." I'm one of those "onward looking" folks who drive others crazy. I like looking back at memories; I have lots of scrapbooks I look through from time to time even. But, they aren't any of the things that keep me going. I'm curious about What Happens Next. I want to know about the next great discovery in science and medicine. I want to see what new things Brooke discovers. We're are expecting a new granddaughter come summer, and I know I'll enjoy great times with her too.
I can't say getting older is any picnic, but it does have it's good things. There is more time to myself, time to try new things and do all those things I wanted to do, or should've done, through the years. I have time to spend with Brooke; I have time to go RVing; I have time to work on a memoir about Angela's transition and a fictional story too. I can sit and read a book, or take a nap, or write to a friend (yes, I still write actual letters as well as email). Most of all though, I can enjoy time with Angela. Although we've been married 42 years, I've wanted to know this new person Angela more and more. She's almost 9 if you count from her SRS (sex reassignment surgery), and you know how 9-year-olds are - a little silly, a little snugly, a little of all sorts of this and that. Well, that's Angela all over. She's into everything, way more than me, so I learn lots of stuff from her. I think I read a lot, but she puts me to shame. I read about a book a week; She's finished three. I read one magazine a week, and she reads three. She knows the news before it's news half the time. Isn't that great? Between Angela and Brooke, I don't have a chance to feel older.
Okay, there are a few more aches and pains around than when I was 20, but So What! I'm healthy, and most important, I'm happy. I love Angela, Audra, Brooke, my puppies, and all the rest of my family. I love to see what Angela and Brooke are going to come up with each day, individually and together. I love seeing Audra grow as a woman and mother, and I enjoy seeing her marriage grow. I love watching my puppies play, although I still miss Kathryn the Great more than I can say (she died in November), I love Snowball's Chance and Cassandra. I just plain love each day. I hope you do too. Happy New Year!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Me? I'm a Straight Lesbian
Okay, I know everyone doesn't agree with me on this, BUT, it is MY OPINION that those who hurl "you've killed my loved one," to anyone who is transitioning, is WRONG about that. The "killing off" of that person is the person doing the killing, not the person who is transitioning. THAT IS DIFFERENT than deciding that one cannot face being viewed as, oh, the horrors of it all, a lesbian! Give me a break. Lesbians are people too! If people could get over labels, most people would get over themselves and their fears of being labeled. Okay, I get it that some folks think they can't have sex unless it's between a man and a woman, including the penetration stuff. I don't think there are that many folks out there that haven't heard of masturbation, sex toys, and all the other ways that one can come to orgasm with the person you love without a penis being involved.
We are often asked, "are you a lesbian now?" by students. My answer is what I titled this piece - "I'm a straight lesbian." That usually gets a laugh, and then Angela and I can talk about labels and how they don't always fit everyone. Labels are okay if you are talking about large groups in general; but when you are talking about specific people, it's usually better to talk about the person and not label them as one thing. Saying that Einstein was only a (pick one) scientist/mathematician/physicist wouldn't exactly fit the bill would it? He was much more. So too are your friends and family. I don't introduce my friends as "this is Josey, she's a heterosexual." I introduce her as my friend, and then I tell more about how special she is. What she does in bed with a partner/lover/spouse NEVER shows up in the conversation. Why should it? Why should anyone care what she does, or what I do, in the bedroom. I don't want to know what my friends, or yours, do in their bedrooms.
I married straight. My spouse became a woman. Now I certainly appear to be a lesbian. But to merely say we are two lesbians negates the 35+ years we were married as husband and wife. David didn't die, and we are still married, and we are still as much in love as we were when we married. David became Angela, took hormones, had some parts rearranged, and now she is who she should have always been. I'm glad I wasn't so worried about being possibly being viewed as a lesbian that I would have lost my spouse, who happens to also be the person I love more than any other.
I was called a lesbian when I was younger because I stood up for homosexual friends, one of those times was just months before I married David. Those folks were wrong then, but I didn't care. "Sticks and Stones my break my bones, but words can never harm me" is something we all learned when we were kids. I still believe it's so. My lesbian and gay friends are as dear to me as my heterosexual friends, and I don't give a fig what any of them do in their bedrooms. I don't introduce them as my lesbian or heterosexual friends, I introduce them as my friends. I also don't care if folks consider me a lesbian, because that doesn't begin to define me.
I'm sorry if your spouses can't see their way clear to get over the fact that others might view them as lesbians. I'm sorry that the only way they think they can have a "marriage" is to have penetrative sex with a man. That's THEIR choice though, not the Ts.
We used to be afraid to tell anyone there was CANCER in the family! We used to be afraid to let our children play with a kid who's parents were divorced. We were afraid to have someone of another race move into the neighborhood. Very few women worked. Now, wearing pink to support cancer research is popular, and everyone talks about it, openly! Now, more than half of marriages fail, and one parent families are the NORM; noone worries if their kids play together anymore! Diversity rules in neighborhoods, schools, and the workplace now. Women are half the workforce. Aren't all these changes better? I think they are.
Don't be afraid to stand up and say, Gays are people too, and I'm proud to be part of an accepting family. If you are worried, have qualms, or are afraid about having a T or a gay in your family - get yourself to a PFLAG meeting! That's Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (plus Ts and Bis and Questioning, and all the other letters in the alphabet!)
If you are afraid of what people might think - think of those who wouldn't stand up against the holocaust! "They came for my friends and I wouldn't stand up against them; they came for my neighbors, and I wouldn't stand up against them; when they came for me, there was no one left to stand up for me." Think about it.
There are still pictures of David in our house; there are also pictures of Angela in our house. We still talk of David, and we still use he and him when we talk of those times. David never died, he's part of Angela, he's part of our family, and he's part of us. Now she's Angela and we use she and her. We don't worry if someone sees us as lesbians, or as just a couple. We're still married, we're still spouses, and most important, we're still in love with the same person we origionally married more than 42 years ago.
I know this isn't the way it works for some folks, and I understand; but I hope, someday, it will be that way for everyone who wants it to be.
We are often asked, "are you a lesbian now?" by students. My answer is what I titled this piece - "I'm a straight lesbian." That usually gets a laugh, and then Angela and I can talk about labels and how they don't always fit everyone. Labels are okay if you are talking about large groups in general; but when you are talking about specific people, it's usually better to talk about the person and not label them as one thing. Saying that Einstein was only a (pick one) scientist/mathematician/physicist wouldn't exactly fit the bill would it? He was much more. So too are your friends and family. I don't introduce my friends as "this is Josey, she's a heterosexual." I introduce her as my friend, and then I tell more about how special she is. What she does in bed with a partner/lover/spouse NEVER shows up in the conversation. Why should it? Why should anyone care what she does, or what I do, in the bedroom. I don't want to know what my friends, or yours, do in their bedrooms.
I married straight. My spouse became a woman. Now I certainly appear to be a lesbian. But to merely say we are two lesbians negates the 35+ years we were married as husband and wife. David didn't die, and we are still married, and we are still as much in love as we were when we married. David became Angela, took hormones, had some parts rearranged, and now she is who she should have always been. I'm glad I wasn't so worried about being possibly being viewed as a lesbian that I would have lost my spouse, who happens to also be the person I love more than any other.
I was called a lesbian when I was younger because I stood up for homosexual friends, one of those times was just months before I married David. Those folks were wrong then, but I didn't care. "Sticks and Stones my break my bones, but words can never harm me" is something we all learned when we were kids. I still believe it's so. My lesbian and gay friends are as dear to me as my heterosexual friends, and I don't give a fig what any of them do in their bedrooms. I don't introduce them as my lesbian or heterosexual friends, I introduce them as my friends. I also don't care if folks consider me a lesbian, because that doesn't begin to define me.
I'm sorry if your spouses can't see their way clear to get over the fact that others might view them as lesbians. I'm sorry that the only way they think they can have a "marriage" is to have penetrative sex with a man. That's THEIR choice though, not the Ts.
We used to be afraid to tell anyone there was CANCER in the family! We used to be afraid to let our children play with a kid who's parents were divorced. We were afraid to have someone of another race move into the neighborhood. Very few women worked. Now, wearing pink to support cancer research is popular, and everyone talks about it, openly! Now, more than half of marriages fail, and one parent families are the NORM; noone worries if their kids play together anymore! Diversity rules in neighborhoods, schools, and the workplace now. Women are half the workforce. Aren't all these changes better? I think they are.
Don't be afraid to stand up and say, Gays are people too, and I'm proud to be part of an accepting family. If you are worried, have qualms, or are afraid about having a T or a gay in your family - get yourself to a PFLAG meeting! That's Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (plus Ts and Bis and Questioning, and all the other letters in the alphabet!)
If you are afraid of what people might think - think of those who wouldn't stand up against the holocaust! "They came for my friends and I wouldn't stand up against them; they came for my neighbors, and I wouldn't stand up against them; when they came for me, there was no one left to stand up for me." Think about it.
There are still pictures of David in our house; there are also pictures of Angela in our house. We still talk of David, and we still use he and him when we talk of those times. David never died, he's part of Angela, he's part of our family, and he's part of us. Now she's Angela and we use she and her. We don't worry if someone sees us as lesbians, or as just a couple. We're still married, we're still spouses, and most important, we're still in love with the same person we origionally married more than 42 years ago.
I know this isn't the way it works for some folks, and I understand; but I hope, someday, it will be that way for everyone who wants it to be.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Love and romance
I had lunch with friends yesterday. One of the topics of conversation was romantic love. Most thought that romantic love died pretty quickly after the "bloom" was off the marriage. Well, I have to differ. First off, love doesn't seem to just be something that appears and then hangs around without anyone doing anything. Love requires that one, actually two - the partners/spouses - take notice of it. Love is about being able to gaze into one's/each other's eyes and know that truth is there; that caring is there; and that most of all love is is there. Note I didn't say adoration or infatuation. Oh yeah, it's great if your spouse adores you, but I'll take true and honest love anytime. Adoration means being up on a pedistal, and I want to be side by side. My parents touched each other often, in a loving and caring way, and they looked at each other in loving and caring ways. Angela and I do that as well. Oh yes, there are the teasing looks and touches too, but more often than not, there is just that brush of a hand, a kiss, a look that reminds us how special we are to each other. As my friends talked of the loss of romance in their lives, I kiddingly suggested they get their spouses/partners on hormones. I don't see a lot of difference though, between the looks and touches we have now and the ones we had before. You all know that Angela, as David, was critical and compulsive. In those periods, I'll admit there wasn't much touching and looks of love going on; BUT those were PASSING times, outside of those minutes or hours, we returned to our "norm" of caring for one another. Now that Angela is who she has to be, there is no need for those compulsions and need to be critical, because they were driven by her need to make me who HE couldn't be. She IS who Angela needed to be, so both are gone, along with the depression that accompanied that. So, there's lots of romance in our lives, always has been, always will be. You can have a "date" with your spouse/partner at home; you can have one just passing in the hall. Just think what a lift you get when you know that look, or that touch, that says, "I love you," happens. Don't forget to say those words daily too. Romance isn't hard to come by, when you pay attention to it. one doesn't need to be a T to be a romantic, and one doesn't have to be married to one either. But, Angela is, and I am, and I think it's great!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
It's all about love
Loving a T is pretty easy. Just do it. Ts aren't really any different than the rest of us. They just need to be who they have to be. If you're trying to figure out IF you should love them, the answer is yes, because while they are still the same person you always loved, there will certainly be some changes. It comes down to loving the person or the package. Now, society would tell you, "how could you leave a spouse who had an accident or a stroke that left them changed." Those same folks would ask you, "how can you stay with someone who is making this change." First off, if it's the person you love, then the change will only be for the better, because they will be who they really have to be, and they can stop hiding, and holding that real person down. What freedome that will be for them - and YOU! When we told our families about Angela's transition, which we did in letters, one from each of the three of us - David/Angela, me and our daughter (then in college), this is one of the paragraphs that speaks to this issue:
I like David, I love Angela, and I know making a life with her will be much more pleasant and easy going than at any time with David. I do not regret any time with David. I always knew Angela was back there, hiding, somewhere inside. I knew it then, and I know it now. It was Angela I was in love with, as a part of David, and now as a much larger part of the whole Angela.
David did not tell me about Angela until we had been married 20 years, yet I knew there was someone she was hiding inside because I could see climpses of that real person often. What a difference it made when WE freed Angela. David isn't gone, he's still here in our memories and our hearts, and in lots of pictures around our house. There are pictures of us together as a family, and all of his A.F. awards are in the study - 36 Air Medals and the Distinguished Flying Cross among others. There's no need to grieve the loss of David, because he's still here, as a part of Angela. It's just that the right personality has been allowed to emerge, and it has literally saved our marriage. Now, married more than 42 years, I can happily say that; and I would encourage anyone wondering if they should encourage a transition, I'd answer YES! But, please insist the T follow the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care. Everyone we know who has done so has had a wonderful and safe transition. Those who have not, have had nothing but grief, problems, and serious physical problems. Do it the right way, and you'll never regret it. One other suggestion - go, watch the surgery, you'll see that every part is reused, and you'll know what's what and where. Look it at this way, every woman wants a wife!
I like David, I love Angela, and I know making a life with her will be much more pleasant and easy going than at any time with David. I do not regret any time with David. I always knew Angela was back there, hiding, somewhere inside. I knew it then, and I know it now. It was Angela I was in love with, as a part of David, and now as a much larger part of the whole Angela.
David did not tell me about Angela until we had been married 20 years, yet I knew there was someone she was hiding inside because I could see climpses of that real person often. What a difference it made when WE freed Angela. David isn't gone, he's still here in our memories and our hearts, and in lots of pictures around our house. There are pictures of us together as a family, and all of his A.F. awards are in the study - 36 Air Medals and the Distinguished Flying Cross among others. There's no need to grieve the loss of David, because he's still here, as a part of Angela. It's just that the right personality has been allowed to emerge, and it has literally saved our marriage. Now, married more than 42 years, I can happily say that; and I would encourage anyone wondering if they should encourage a transition, I'd answer YES! But, please insist the T follow the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care. Everyone we know who has done so has had a wonderful and safe transition. Those who have not, have had nothing but grief, problems, and serious physical problems. Do it the right way, and you'll never regret it. One other suggestion - go, watch the surgery, you'll see that every part is reused, and you'll know what's what and where. Look it at this way, every woman wants a wife!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
What's it all about?
What's marriage all about anyway?
Love, caring, sharing, commitment, at least that's my answer. I think a lot of marriages have that. I also think a lot of them don't. My parents did, and my sister and I often talked about how hard it was to live up to that example. There is no question that those two people had all of those qualities in the 100% range. They'd easily die for one another, and, in fact, they did. My mother pined away while my father was in a nursing home recovering from a bought of pneumonia. She just didn't cope well without my father around, even though she saw him often, and for long periods. She dropped dead on her 80th birthday. Literally. My father returned home not long after her funeral, and he was gone within a year. He cried over her pictures nightly. At the funeral, my niece gave a beautiful eulogy about how when she'd come to visit she'd see them dancing together in the living room - sometimes to music only they heard, and sometimes to something on the radio. She spoke of how they often touched one another, and how you could see love in their eyes whenever they looked at one another. When they spoke of each other they always had nice things to say, even if they were passing over a rough patch. Yes, they had a few fights in life, usually at night, after we kids were in bed, but they always went to bed together, and always had kisses in the morning over breakfast.
Our daughter would say the same things about us now. Now that Angela has transitioned, I mean. Before that, at least from the time she was in 3rd or 4th grade, we didn't get along well. David was reclusive, compulsive, depressed and critical. By the time our daughter had started school David and I were growing apart and starting to argue. I had become tired of always feeling "not good enough." He didn't want to leave the house unless he had to; he always criticized what I wore; he never liked the way I did almost anything - cleaned house, fixed dinner, loaded the dishwasher, folded the clothes - and yes, I altered how I did them often to suit his current needs. By the time she was in junior high school, we were two people living in the house, but we were living apart. We slept together, because sex was always good, but we could no longer cope. Our arguments were loud and not pleasant.
Then there was a dramatic change! David told me he'd been hiding his need to be a woman. I told him that was okay, and we moved forward to allowing him to cross-dress. We got counseling for our marriage, and after a time, finally discovered that all that bad behavior came from his suppressing who he needed to be - ANGELA! Once we found the right councilor, blessings on her, and David began to follow the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care, our lives changed completely. Angela was a happy person - the depression was gone, and with it went the compulsively and reclusiveness. She was the life of the party, finally free to be who she had to be. We began to kid with one another; we began to go out - often. And, my hurt feelings about all the criticism disappeared, because I understood David was projecting Angela on to me. He wanted me to be who he couldn't be!!! Duh! Why hadn't we seen that all along? So, when David became Angela, I didn't need to fulfill that roll anymore. I was free to be me too!
NOW we have that marriage my parents had. Now we have our own lives, and it is great! We love one another more deeply than when we met and married. We share our souls now, not only our lives, but everything about ourselves. We are committed to one another more surely than ever before. What a treat it is to be married to a T!
Love, caring, sharing, commitment, at least that's my answer. I think a lot of marriages have that. I also think a lot of them don't. My parents did, and my sister and I often talked about how hard it was to live up to that example. There is no question that those two people had all of those qualities in the 100% range. They'd easily die for one another, and, in fact, they did. My mother pined away while my father was in a nursing home recovering from a bought of pneumonia. She just didn't cope well without my father around, even though she saw him often, and for long periods. She dropped dead on her 80th birthday. Literally. My father returned home not long after her funeral, and he was gone within a year. He cried over her pictures nightly. At the funeral, my niece gave a beautiful eulogy about how when she'd come to visit she'd see them dancing together in the living room - sometimes to music only they heard, and sometimes to something on the radio. She spoke of how they often touched one another, and how you could see love in their eyes whenever they looked at one another. When they spoke of each other they always had nice things to say, even if they were passing over a rough patch. Yes, they had a few fights in life, usually at night, after we kids were in bed, but they always went to bed together, and always had kisses in the morning over breakfast.
Our daughter would say the same things about us now. Now that Angela has transitioned, I mean. Before that, at least from the time she was in 3rd or 4th grade, we didn't get along well. David was reclusive, compulsive, depressed and critical. By the time our daughter had started school David and I were growing apart and starting to argue. I had become tired of always feeling "not good enough." He didn't want to leave the house unless he had to; he always criticized what I wore; he never liked the way I did almost anything - cleaned house, fixed dinner, loaded the dishwasher, folded the clothes - and yes, I altered how I did them often to suit his current needs. By the time she was in junior high school, we were two people living in the house, but we were living apart. We slept together, because sex was always good, but we could no longer cope. Our arguments were loud and not pleasant.
Then there was a dramatic change! David told me he'd been hiding his need to be a woman. I told him that was okay, and we moved forward to allowing him to cross-dress. We got counseling for our marriage, and after a time, finally discovered that all that bad behavior came from his suppressing who he needed to be - ANGELA! Once we found the right councilor, blessings on her, and David began to follow the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care, our lives changed completely. Angela was a happy person - the depression was gone, and with it went the compulsively and reclusiveness. She was the life of the party, finally free to be who she had to be. We began to kid with one another; we began to go out - often. And, my hurt feelings about all the criticism disappeared, because I understood David was projecting Angela on to me. He wanted me to be who he couldn't be!!! Duh! Why hadn't we seen that all along? So, when David became Angela, I didn't need to fulfill that roll anymore. I was free to be me too!
NOW we have that marriage my parents had. Now we have our own lives, and it is great! We love one another more deeply than when we met and married. We share our souls now, not only our lives, but everything about ourselves. We are committed to one another more surely than ever before. What a treat it is to be married to a T!
Monday, August 25, 2008
A Wedding
We attended our first gay church wedding this weekend, and we have another next weekend as well. What a treat it was in every way you might imagine. The wedding couple were perfect, the church lovely, the wedding not only historic but dramatic and beautiful, and the reception was a treat. What more could anyone ask for.
The wedding was held on the couple's 11th anniversary together. That made everything doubly special. It was the first wedding in the new, year old, sanctuary, and it was the first gay wedding as well. History making events, though, take second place to personal events, and weddings are the most personal of all.
I'm most curious to understand how it is that those in opposition to gay marriage think sharing marriage with gays will somehow diminish their own marriage. That's like saying having a child diminishes my love for my spouse. Sharing something good has always been a way to grow that good thing. Fear of losing something is a terrible thing. It's unfortunate that their love isn't strong enough to be able to allow others the same rights.
Congratulations Bev and Jackie!
The wedding was held on the couple's 11th anniversary together. That made everything doubly special. It was the first wedding in the new, year old, sanctuary, and it was the first gay wedding as well. History making events, though, take second place to personal events, and weddings are the most personal of all.
I'm most curious to understand how it is that those in opposition to gay marriage think sharing marriage with gays will somehow diminish their own marriage. That's like saying having a child diminishes my love for my spouse. Sharing something good has always been a way to grow that good thing. Fear of losing something is a terrible thing. It's unfortunate that their love isn't strong enough to be able to allow others the same rights.
Congratulations Bev and Jackie!
Friday, August 1, 2008
How can a blog be spam
A blog is just someone's "diary" of sorts, isn't it? People can read it if they please, but it isn't "sent" to anyone. So, that makes me wonder iwhy Blogger would flag a blog about being married to a transsexual. What if Blogger flags blogs they are prejudiced about? After all, maybe they didn't like my topic about being married to a transsexual that changed from a male to a female. Horrors!? Not in my view! It's the best thing that could have happened to our marriage. We can top most married folks for logevity of marriage anyway, with more than 42 years now. Why am I blogging about that - two reasons: I want people to know how great it is that we stayed married. AND - I want to show folks that there is no reason NOT to STAY married! People who change to what they "must" be become whole! Prejudice is a BAD thing, and I don't care if it a neighbor, co-worker, client, friend, stranger, or in this case MAYBE - Blogger. I hope you do read my blog, but if you do, it's a choice. I'm not forcing it on you. I hope you do come back and read it, and I hope you find out that all GLBT+ folks are just like other folks. I also hope Blogger isn't prejudiced, but I'm waiting to see what happens next - AFTER they unblock this blog.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Marriage
Marriage is a special thing. Forty-two marriages happened in 1.5 hours in Fresno, California. Fresno is NOT in favor of same-sex marriages, at least not if one listens to our religious right. However, our largest church's pastor was kind enough to ask his congregation not to harass couples on their special day. That was kind of him. In fact, only one family came out to protest, plus a single, scowling man, who only accosted an 8-year-old child. No, he had nothing to say to anyone - except when an 8 year old offered him a bottle of cold water after he had stood glaring at the line of folks waiting to register for more than an hour. His words were wrong and hurtful, and baffling to the child - all about how her parents were using her for propaganda. However, he had nothing to say to the family who's children were on his side, running into traffic to show passing cars their pencil printed protest cards. No, he accosted a child who used a crosswalk to offer him a cold drink. He is a good Christian man, though, don't you think?
I'm always curious to know why many conservative Christians are quick to spout bible verses from the Old Testament against gay marriage while they ignore other verses in the same chapter. I'm curious to know why they choose to use the Old Testament as a weapon while ignoring the New Testament of love, acceptance and forgiveness. I'm curious to know why they spout bible verses from the Old testament, which is the history of many religions on earth, yet ignore the New Testament that is the future they so wish to bring about. I wonder what they think of "Judge not..."
Marriage, for the 42 couples united in that first hour and a half, was wondrous. There were many tears of joy shed; shed not only by the participants, but also by the very clerks and officers of the court that had only days before eagerly spoke to the media of how they thought gay marriage was wrong. Instead they smiled, shed a tear of compassion, and shared in the joy of the many couples that wed. Perhaps some hearts melted. I think so; I hope so.
Angela and I are married, legally, because we married as man and wife. Not even a national constitutional amendment would dissolve that marriage, although, some states might not recognize it, now that we are two women. That's a battle yet to be fought though. We join in the fight for gays to marry because we know what a real marriage is. It's not built on what others make of my marriage; it's built on what Angela and I make of our marriage. Other people don't threaten my marriage, and they shouldn't threaten any marriage. A real marriage is sure of its statue, of its rightness, and of its love. What my neighbors do, what they think, and how they view us, has no meaning to our marriage. If they choose to celebrate our marriage, we're glad; if they choose to disagree with the fact of it, that's their business, and they will have to answer to their own conscience. We will help fight for the rights of all who wish to marry in love, caring, and trust in each other. Join the fight. Vote for the ability of gays to marry. Let love triumph.
I'm always curious to know why many conservative Christians are quick to spout bible verses from the Old Testament against gay marriage while they ignore other verses in the same chapter. I'm curious to know why they choose to use the Old Testament as a weapon while ignoring the New Testament of love, acceptance and forgiveness. I'm curious to know why they spout bible verses from the Old testament, which is the history of many religions on earth, yet ignore the New Testament that is the future they so wish to bring about. I wonder what they think of "Judge not..."
Marriage, for the 42 couples united in that first hour and a half, was wondrous. There were many tears of joy shed; shed not only by the participants, but also by the very clerks and officers of the court that had only days before eagerly spoke to the media of how they thought gay marriage was wrong. Instead they smiled, shed a tear of compassion, and shared in the joy of the many couples that wed. Perhaps some hearts melted. I think so; I hope so.
Angela and I are married, legally, because we married as man and wife. Not even a national constitutional amendment would dissolve that marriage, although, some states might not recognize it, now that we are two women. That's a battle yet to be fought though. We join in the fight for gays to marry because we know what a real marriage is. It's not built on what others make of my marriage; it's built on what Angela and I make of our marriage. Other people don't threaten my marriage, and they shouldn't threaten any marriage. A real marriage is sure of its statue, of its rightness, and of its love. What my neighbors do, what they think, and how they view us, has no meaning to our marriage. If they choose to celebrate our marriage, we're glad; if they choose to disagree with the fact of it, that's their business, and they will have to answer to their own conscience. We will help fight for the rights of all who wish to marry in love, caring, and trust in each other. Join the fight. Vote for the ability of gays to marry. Let love triumph.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Being Together
This long weekend (Fri-Mon) we spent a lovely time with the Rainbow RV group in Bodega Bay. There were 30+ RV units with the club signed in when we began. Our first official meeting was a potluck hors d'ouvres gathering. Trust me when I say it was way more than simple hors d'ouvres. Not a soul left hungry, I can tell you that for a fact! There are obviously CHEFS in this group, as well as the run-of-the-mill homemade treat makers, and a few who bring store bought munchies. All in all, it was a terrific meet and greet; we met many new folks, reconnected with a few couples that had been at the first gathering we attended in Gold Country, and we formed some nice friendships that began at this gathering. The second day was a tour-around on your own day, but the evening's potluck dinner added pounds to every one's waistline! What treats there were. This gathering showed just how important being together can be. There were several birthday celebrities, but more important were those celebrating anniversaries - 37 years, 23 years, 19 years, 32 years, 27 years, 18 years - and so it went. The numbers, with two exceptions were always two digits. The two exceptions were one man who had recently lost his partner of nearly 30 years, and one new relationship of only a few months. Again I was struck by the fact that virtually all of these GLBT+ folks are in very long term relationships. They believe in being together, and they deserve the right to be married. They deserve the same rights as everyone else that is committed to their relationship. Yes, Angela and I are married - 42 years come July - but we are unique in the GLBT+ community because we married as man and wife, and that cannot be undone. I am absolutely dumb founded that anyone thinks that because two men sleep & have sex together, or because two women sleep and have sex together is any one's business. What other group is repressed because of what they do in private. I don't know what my best friends to in bed with their spouses, and they don't know what my spouse and I do. So, why would anyone care what GLBT+ folks do in bed with their loved ones, and why do they think thy have a right to judge that? As we've seen in the news, many of the most vocal leaders of the religious right, who say they are against all the things they say are sinful, continue to get caught doing exactly those things they preach against! Guess what, most of the things they do are certainly much worse than being in a committed relationship with someone of the same sex! The point is, gays are asking to be allowed to make their long-term, commitments to another person legal and equal in the rights of the law. I can't see how anyone can see 2 peaople being in a committed relationship as a bad thing! You'd think the religious right would be all for gay marriage, but they aren't. Good heavens, one can find almost anything in the bible, and use it to as a hammer on someone else. I'm sure there's a verse about looking after the log in one's own eye before going after another person, but that doesn't count of course. In fact, very few foks on the far right follow what is in theBible to the letter. If they did they'd all still be living the same way folks lived in the first century after Christ was born, sacrificing animals and a whole raft of other things! It's time to allow progress, particularly in the human rights department. Let's get a focus on the child abusers of the world rather than on folks that want a committed relationship! We continue to allow child abusers access to the very children they abuse! That's nuts, plain and simple. Loving another person enough to want to marry them is a good thing, folks. Okay, I'll get off my podium, with one request: think how important it is to love being together enough to want to make that love legal! Then let everyone have that right and quit worrying about what someone else does in the privacy of their own home when they are loving another person (not abusing them). Turn the energy being expended against gay marriage into energy towards protecting the children of this land from their abusers who are most often their own relatives!
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
We're a couple, and that's another of the Best Things About Being Married to a Transsexual
We're a couple, and that's a good thing. It 's also quite special, all the more so because we are a tad different than most married folks. We're a good couple because we chose to be. We could have easily broken the marriage over a variety of things, but the most apparent reason would have been Angela's transition. She could have chosen to start a whole new life along with her new persona, but she did not. I could have said her transition would make too big of a change for me, and I could have chosen to leave the marriage, but I did not. It's obvious to both of us that, for us, we made the right choices. Our marriage is happier and stronger, and we are joyous in our commitment to one another.
We're also a good couple because of the friends we've made along the way. The caring and support we've received from our local friends are well beyond what one might expect, and they are valued and loved beyond measure. Then there are other T couples we've met along our way such as D and E. They were the first married couple to allow us into their lives and their home. D has since passed away, but we visited with E this last weekend. She remains a treasure to us. Her memories of D and their time together are as strong as ever, and she remains committed and active in the T world within her community. In fact, she's active within the whole local GLBT world. We’ve also met other T couples that have stayed married, and we drawn strength from their endearing and enduring love for one another.
We're also a good couple because of the friends we've made along the way. The caring and support we've received from our local friends are well beyond what one might expect, and they are valued and loved beyond measure. Then there are other T couples we've met along our way such as D and E. They were the first married couple to allow us into their lives and their home. D has since passed away, but we visited with E this last weekend. She remains a treasure to us. Her memories of D and their time together are as strong as ever, and she remains committed and active in the T world within her community. In fact, she's active within the whole local GLBT world. We’ve also met other T couples that have stayed married, and we drawn strength from their endearing and enduring love for one another.
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