Getting my exercise

We have an exercise room, and we do use it, sporadically. One of us gets The Bug, and we exercise every day for, oh, let's say two months. Then, we begin to fall off our regime until the next time. I bet the same thing happens to you sometimes, doesn't it? Well, our exercise room has had an old and fading carpet since we moved in more than twenty years ago. We've talked about changing it, but nothing came of that particular plan other than adding equipment. So, guess what, Angela got "The Bug." No, not to exercise, but to change the carpet. We're also in the midst of working in the garden, replanting grass on our two acres and doing lots of weeding (my elbow injury let the wild things grow for a couple weeks, and we got behind). Evidently, she felt we didn't have enough on To Do lists, so she asked for my help. Usually, my help means "hand me this, bring me that, &/or hold this." That is not what needing my help meant this time. We had to get all of that heavy equipment out of the room. Let me emphasis the word heavy. The bicycle was no problem, even the stepper wasn't too bad, but the darn treadmill was quite a challenge. You see, I may have pointed this out before, but Angela doesn't have the same strength she used to have as a man because she is a woman now -- duh! I'm just going to say it was a bitch, okay? Sorry for those of you who said, "No." Anyway, even that paled next to the Universal Gym. Taking it apart, well part of it anyway, lead to two backaches, two strained shoulders, and a couple bruises in unusual places. Moving, even the pieces, was heavy work.

The carpet came up easily, even the tiles lifted right out, but the linoleum under that was less enjoyable, and see a prior post to understand what I think about taking the glue off. Damn, it was a beast, and Angela did most of that, this time. Next came the Pergo wood floor. Outside of a few blue words, we got it in in under a day. Well, except for the small/tiny bathroom, which Angela did all by herself. That was a mistake as that little project resulted in several trips to the nurse's station in one of our bathrooms for hydrogen peroxide, bacitracin, and a variety of band-aids and gauze patches. We moved all the equipment back in, oh, my pulled/strained muscles, bruises, and promises to never do this again.

But, the last thing to be returned to the room was my Star Trek display cabinet. So, I got to go through keepsakes again, and that was more fun than I can tell you. Yes, I boxed up a few things, but most of it is still in the cabinet. I hope it doesn't take another change-of-the-carpet for me to go through it all again, but I'll enjoy the new arrangement/display until the next time.

I guess I was getting my exercise fixing up the room, but I'll soon be having to use all that equipment again -- as soon as my muscles stop complaining that is. Anyway, I'm actually glad Angela got this particular "Bug," and yep, this is another Best Thing About Being Married To A Transsexual.

Beauty crisis

We're having a crisis around here. Angela's SRS was in January 2002. Before and after her surgery, she was beautiful. Her transition took 10 years off her face - all the fine wrinkles were gone, the beard was gone, and the new feminine layer of fat softened all her features. Time passed, and the dosage of HRT lessened, and, of course, she got a little older. She also acquired the laments typical-of-many-females: I’m not pretty enough, and I’m too fat. Yes, she’s gained a little weight. She’s still beautiful to me, and I’m envious of that beauty because I have the same issues, especially now that I have no hair and my eyebrows and eyelashes are falling out too (thanks to chemo!). The main problem, you see though, is that she’s often in blue jeans and a cotton blouse, polo or sweatshirt around the house. The other problem is that we don’t go out where we need to dress up anymore. Most of that is because we’re retired and have less disposable income, but part of that is a choice – we tend to go out to dinner at good, but more casual restaurants like Outback, Applebee’s and such. So, this weekend I’m taking her out for a shopping spree and to a “class joint” for dinner. I’m getting a special card today, to give her tomorrow. We’ll see what happens, and I’ll let you know. (Keep your fingers crossed!)

Happy Birthday to Angela

Today is Angela's Birthday - well, one of them. It's the Anniversary of her SRS. There were a few years when she celebrated her "real" birthday, the date she began hormones, the date she began to dress full time, AND the date of her sex reassignment surgery. As you might imagine, being a woman, she expected gifts for each of these occasions. I indulged her initially, and then I began to whittle down the dates until it was just two - her natal day, and her arrival day. After we retired, she elected to maintain only her original birthday, as that is when her family celebrates it with cards, letters, and gifts.

I can't, however, let this day pass, because it is important in ways far more noteworthy than merely a date on a calendar. Officially, for sixty years, she existed in the wrong body. She hid herself. She hid from her parents, siblings, relatives and friends, and then she hid from her wife and daughter as well as more friends and colleagues. She became withdrawn, depressed, angry, and more and more unhappy with each passing year. Finally, she confessed to me. She was sure I was going to leave her, divorce her, and take our daughter with me. She was sure she'd loose her family and all her friends. Instead, she found - and freed - her true self.

She became a woman somewhat gradually, starting out as a closet cross-dresser, and then, after her dramatic revelation, she dressed openly. We joined Tri-ess, got counseling, and discovered that Angela's belief that she should have been born a woman was real. We began to follow the Harry Benjamin Standards as we moved towards her SRS. We had the help of excellent professionals, particularly our councilor and psychologist, Sally Hunt.

Her surgeon was a marvel, and we certainly recommend Dr. Brassard from Montreal, Canada. His clinic and staff are wonderful, and his recovery lodge is delightful. We both wish all who make this transition an equally outstanding medical team.

Now, Angela is ALL woman! She wears blue jeans and sweatshirts sometimes, and she isn't always in heels. Inside her, though, she's dressed to the nines - or even the tens or elevens, if you ask me. The reality is that she is happy. She IS Angela, and she's all mine. If this transition hadn't happened in 02, we would have been divorced, and both of us would have been unhappy. We would have lost our soul-mate, and we would be without our true selves. We are individuals, but we are part of a team, a twosome, and we are a couple. We couldn't be happier.

Happy Birthday, Angela, I love you!

If You're Happy And You Know It

I have to admit that I've noticed this year passing more than most because I've seen how our granddaughter has grown and changed over the year. (Watch any child and you'll see time passing before your eyes.) She's the delight of my heart, of course.

I don't mind the year passing, perhaps because it's been filled with good memory-making days. Brooke, of course, is first on that list, as are all the silly and fun things Angela and I have managed to get ourselves into. I've never mourned a year. I don't want to go back to any of them, even those I consider "the best." I'm one of those "onward looking" folks who drive others crazy. I like looking back at memories; I have lots of scrapbooks I look through from time to time even. But, they aren't any of the things that keep me going. I'm curious about What Happens Next. I want to know about the next great discovery in science and medicine. I want to see what new things Brooke discovers. We're are expecting a new granddaughter come summer, and I know I'll enjoy great times with her too.

I can't say getting older is any picnic, but it does have it's good things. There is more time to myself, time to try new things and do all those things I wanted to do, or should've done, through the years. I have time to spend with Brooke; I have time to go RVing; I have time to work on a memoir about Angela's transition and a fictional story too. I can sit and read a book, or take a nap, or write to a friend (yes, I still write actual letters as well as email). Most of all though, I can enjoy time with Angela. Although we've been married 42 years, I've wanted to know this new person Angela more and more. She's almost 9 if you count from her SRS (sex reassignment surgery), and you know how 9-year-olds are - a little silly, a little snugly, a little of all sorts of this and that. Well, that's Angela all over. She's into everything, way more than me, so I learn lots of stuff from her. I think I read a lot, but she puts me to shame. I read about a book a week; She's finished three. I read one magazine a week, and she reads three. She knows the news before it's news half the time. Isn't that great? Between Angela and Brooke, I don't have a chance to feel older.

Okay, there are a few more aches and pains around than when I was 20, but So What! I'm healthy, and most important, I'm happy. I love Angela, Audra, Brooke, my puppies, and all the rest of my family. I love to see what Angela and Brooke are going to come up with each day, individually and together. I love seeing Audra grow as a woman and mother, and I enjoy seeing her marriage grow. I love watching my puppies play, although I still miss Kathryn the Great more than I can say (she died in November), I love Snowball's Chance and Cassandra. I just plain love each day. I hope you do too. Happy New Year!

Same person, different package - there is no death

People change. Children grow from infants - to preschoolers - to teens - and to adults. Parents age and often become dependent, and the person who transitions changes outward appearance as well as assuming more outward traits of their new gender. All of those things are real, and they are natural. Many people say the person transitioning has killed their daddy, or their mother, sibling or their spouse. THAT IS NOT SO! Did I say that loud enough? If every child, spouse or sibling that screamed "you've killed my Daddy/Mommy/Spouse/Brother/Sister" at the transitioning person had their heads screwed on right, they would realize that it is THEY that have "killed" their loved one.

Okay, think about it. When your kids grew up, did you stop loving them? They certainly aren't in the same package they arrived in, not by a long shot. As they grew, their personalities changed; did you stop loving them then? When they became adults, they changed more, as they took on adult responsibilities. Did you stop loving them then? No, because they were still the same person in a different package.
Has your spouse changed from that romantic person you dated? Do they still dress up every day, or is it blue jeans and a shirt?What? There are no more high heels, no vests and ties? Do you two still hang on every word the other speaks? Do little presents happen every week? Do you still go out on dates regularly? Adults change too - same person, differnt package.
So, why do some think that it isn't okay for the transitioning person to change - even dramatically - even into another gender?
It's their choice if they kill off the transitioning person.
Oh yes, there are certainly adjustments to be made, especially for a spouse, but look at it this way. Let's suppose the transitioning person had had a stroke or was in an accident. What if they were suddenly debilitated in some way. Would all of the friends and family think of the person as having died? NO! Would they think the person dead to them because of this dramatic change? NO! In fact, friends and family would EXPECT the spouse to stay and take care of the newly debilitated spouse; children would adjust to Daddy or Mommy: Siblings would adjust to this changed Brother or Sister that's now in a wheelchair, or blind, or whatever else might've been the result of the stroke or accident. But, when a person changes gender, some families fall apart.

Here's my take: they never loved the PERSON. They only loved the "being a couple," having the money, having the just-like-everyone-else person.

Angela and I have been blessed, we are still together (42+ years), our families accept us (except for one sister out of 6 siblings), and most of those who were our true friends are still with us (yes, we lost a few in the transition - their loss, in my opinion).

Angela is the same person; she's just wrapped up in a different package. She's so much happier, and that makes happy. She's so much more outgoing(less inhibited), and that's a plus for me. She's certainly freer with herself to me, our daughter, our family and our friends. I love it. I think I'm the one that is blessed.

One bit of advice to the transitioning person: go slow and follow the Harry Benjamin Standards. You won't regret it.

It's all about love

Loving a T is pretty easy. Just do it. Ts aren't really any different than the rest of us. They just need to be who they have to be. If you're trying to figure out IF you should love them, the answer is yes, because while they are still the same person you always loved, there will certainly be some changes. It comes down to loving the person or the package. Now, society would tell you, "how could you leave a spouse who had an accident or a stroke that left them changed." Those same folks would ask you, "how can you stay with someone who is making this change." First off, if it's the person you love, then the change will only be for the better, because they will be who they really have to be, and they can stop hiding, and holding that real person down. What freedome that will be for them - and YOU! When we told our families about Angela's transition, which we did in letters, one from each of the three of us - David/Angela, me and our daughter (then in college), this is one of the paragraphs that speaks to this issue:
I like David, I love Angela, and I know making a life with her will be much more pleasant and easy going than at any time with David. I do not regret any time with David. I always knew Angela was back there, hiding, somewhere inside. I knew it then, and I know it now. It was Angela I was in love with, as a part of David, and now as a much larger part of the whole Angela.
David did not tell me about Angela until we had been married 20 years, yet I knew there was someone she was hiding inside because I could see climpses of that real person often. What a difference it made when WE freed Angela. David isn't gone, he's still here in our memories and our hearts, and in lots of pictures around our house. There are pictures of us together as a family, and all of his A.F. awards are in the study - 36 Air Medals and the Distinguished Flying Cross among others. There's no need to grieve the loss of David, because he's still here, as a part of Angela. It's just that the right personality has been allowed to emerge, and it has literally saved our marriage. Now, married more than 42 years, I can happily say that; and I would encourage anyone wondering if they should encourage a transition, I'd answer YES! But, please insist the T follow the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care. Everyone we know who has done so has had a wonderful and safe transition. Those who have not, have had nothing but grief, problems, and serious physical problems. Do it the right way, and you'll never regret it. One other suggestion - go, watch the surgery, you'll see that every part is reused, and you'll know what's what and where. Look it at this way, every woman wants a wife!

Getting Ready

I always seem to be getting ready to do something. More often than not, it's getting ready to get ready to do something. That's just not how it should be. In other words, something always comes along that sidetracks me while I'm doing all my "prep" work to finish up a project or two. Of course, the fact that I usually have more than one project at hand could have something to do with why they don't all get done in a timely fashion - including my blog. Angela, on the other hand, always seems to start a job and finish it before tackling another. That's not to say that distractions don't take her away from her primary task from time to time, but she's usually pretty dead on. I think that may be a more male trait that has hung on. I see that many women always are doing umpteen things at once. Perhaps that's because it's hard to focus on just one thing when one has children, much less children and job! So, we tend to multitask better. The good news is, Angela's transition let her multitask and keep on track. How's that for a Best Thing About Being Married to a T?

I'm in love

I'm in love - with the person who first set my heart ablaze - as a song by Cole Porter says (from the play Out Of This World). I'm in love with Angela, and that makes me very happy. I'm in love with a lot of things, actually: our daughter and granddaughter, our doggies, lots of friends, our home, and all that other stuff, but mostly I'm in love with Angela. What a change that is from thinking about divorcing David. That was years ago, of course, but it was a consideration. We just weren't getting along. We were still in love, we still had good sex, we still liked all the same things, but our day to day living had lost the sparkle. We fought often, and just didn't see eye to eye about how our lives were going. Angela's transition changed all that. Part of it was hormonal changes that altered her way of seeing the world. Most of it though was just letting her be who she needed to be. As soon as she was at peace with herself - her body in line with what her mind knew she really was - life was good - for both of us. I'm in love with her mind, body and soul. Being at a wedding this weekend left me reflecting on 42 years of marriage. The first part was good, after Audra was born it was even better, and then things started falling apart. Angela was so withdrawn and unhappy that it spilled over into everything. We disappeared in that morass. That was a shame because we really loved each other. The depression and stress he carried filled up the space love used to occupy. Things got better when he found out it was okay with me if he wanted to dress up; things improved even more dramatically when he began the Harry Benjamin standards of care, got onto hormones, got counciling and started moving toward sex reassignment surgery. When s/he began his real life test life got good again, for both of us. Now all that transition is over, and Angela is just Angela, and I love her to death! She is just so delightful. It's great to be in love! Yeah, being in love is another Best Thing About Being Married to a Transsexual!

42 years

We've been married 42 years - as of the day before yesterday! Not bad for any couple, but pretty special given the circumstances, don't you think? Well, I do! Just to drive the trans point home, without Angela's transition, I don't think we'd have made it. There would have been a divorce, for sure - because:

One: David was unhappy as a man. He was depressed, compulsive, reclusive and overly critical. He was not easy to get along with - period. I always felt like I was walking on eggshells. No, he was never physically abusive, and we always had a good sex life. But, because he was not happy with himself, he was not happy with the world in general. Additionally, he projected his need to be a woman onto me. He always wanted me dressed the way he would have been dressed had he been able to be Angela. His transition saved our marriage.

Two: I had taken David's need to project his need to be feminine onto me as rejection of me. I am talking about his wanting me to "be" the Angela he couldn't be. Neither of us realized that was what was happening until we sought counciling with a therapist familiar with transgender issues. I took what I thought was rejection and internalized it as my not being "good enough." It didn't take long for that to make me angry, as I was a successful business person, and I was often complimented on my dress and personality. Anyway, that rejection resulted in my being angry, which eventually became an explosive anger anytime there was any hint of critisism or desire for me to dress, or look, any other way than I chose. We had reached a point where, outside of enjoying sex together, we had little in common, and we didn't spend much time doing anything together.

When we discovered Angela's need to crossdress, we also recognized that when crossdressed, he was delightful to be around. He was happy, talkative, and gregarious. What a difference. Once he was able to transition, he was free to be herself. That also freed me to be myself. The critisism stopped, the projection stopped. AND my anger completely disappeared as did all the hurt feelings.

So, Angela's transition saved our marriage! So, here's another Best thing about being married to a transsexual. When a transsexual is free to be themselves, everyone around them can be free to be themselves as well. What a wonderful thing to share with a spouse!

Part 3 Things to think about re a spouse's transition

Skin: Angela is four years older than I am, but she looks 10 years younger! Why? Because she developed baby skin when she first went on hormones. Yep, it took away all the wrinkles and made her very soft to the touch! You'll like that, and so will she, no doubt. It was, initially, a source of wonder, because it made such a difference in how she looked. Remember she was in her late 50s when she made the transition. She really looked like she might be in her late 30s or early 40s. When we speak at colleges, universities, and forums, we joke about what a sweet young thing she turned out to be. It's true, though. So, be prepared. What's actually happening is she's developing that little layer of fat that women have under their skin that men do not have. Now that it's been 6 years since her surgery, and 9 years since she began hormones, she's starting to show some wrinkles again. I guess that's the bain of all humanity - as we age, we get wrinkles. So enjoy the soft touch, and let her bask in the romanticism of being far younger than she is.

More things to think about re a spouse's transition

Breasts: they're there, and they weren't there before, at least not the sort that poked out. So, one must deal with one's feelings about them. Additionally, you can almost bet that most men who are becoming women are going to want more than the hormones alone give them. Give up trying to convince them that they will be sorry later as they get heavier and don't stand up quite so well. That will NOT work. First off, it won't work because, face it, they are Men who are becoming Women, and most Men have at least some pluses in their minds about breasts. Just think of the fun you'll have making jokes about mountains out of molehills, girls(!) i.e. spouses, girlfriends and otherwise female acquaintances. Make peace with the fact they are going to be there, they are going to grow larger, and after surgery, if it's in the budget, chances are they are going to be at least one size larger than before surgery. Accept it as a given and as a fact.

They are going to go on meds that will make their genitals shrink. After surgery, there will be no testosterone, and if so their sex drive may also decline. I don't mean that their sex drive will go away, I mean it will not be a primary in their mind any more. Everything, literally, will be primary. There will be so many new things for them to experience that sex will fall down the list of priorities. This is the time you need to be making adjustments. We'll talk about that tomorrow.

Hello, welcome to our life after Sex Reassignment Surgery

Hello,

Day one of a blog is pretty scary, especially on a subject that's just-a-tad unusual - like transmarriage. Here's the reality though, I'm married to a post-op transsexual, and I'm happy about it, hence the name of this blog.

If you want the details, see About Me. Here's the short version:
Married 1966 to David, a Lieutenant in the A.F.
Followed the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care
We survived all the stages of cross-dressing and hormones (it's great fun to have a teenage daughter going through puberty that is REALLY your 50+ year old husband!)
SRS (sex reassignment surgery) 2002.
On the Discovery Channel Documentary Changing Sexes: Male to Female - still airing

I consider the rest of our life our REAL LIFE TEST. This blog is for me and you. I want to share our lives, ask and answer questions, and get to know fellow trans families. There are other marrieds out there, and others facing decisions about being with trans, whether it's a spouse, a child, a friend, coworker or neighbor. Let's talk. Let's share our stories. I'll answer questions willingly, but not diatribes and not ugliness. I know there are folks out there who will disagree with me about transfolks and marriage. I'll agree to let you have your opinions, and I'll have mine. No fights and no fouls. Let's be friends.

See you tomorrow.