Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Loss
There's a lot of comfort in a hug or a hand on the shoulder. They have the most power in times of passion and sorrow. We loss those who are special to us in different ways. Sometimes a dear friend moves away and chooses not to stay in contact. In that case only memories linger, generally of times of laughter and shared experiences. The loss though is "casual," the pain of the loss is a memory with distance. The loss of a dear parent, a sibling, or child is front and center of our day to day life. Even the thought of such a loss brings compelling sadness; then when it happens it is devastating for days. Weeks and months pass before the hole fills with memories; Years pass as the loss softens into the touch of feelings. The loss of a pet, too, brings harsh emptiness for a long time. The hugs and touch of those closest to us wash us with love as we face those losses. Angela is particularly good at knowing just the right time to reach out with a hug, a pat on the shoulder, or a personal gaze with meanings of nothing but love and support. I treasure the knowledge that each loss is abrogated by her enduring love and caring. There has been no immediate loss, although both of my parents recently passed away, and now two of my pets are seriously ill. Even so, Angela always seems to know when I'm lost in a memory of those losses, or the impending ones. She appears from somewhere, and out of the blue, reaches for me to touch or draw me into a hug. It's a special bond we've only shared since her transition. I bless the day she began following the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care including hormones, real life test and her final transition.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Mornings
I am NOT a morning person, never have been, and never will be one most likely. It's a shame, because the mornings are always pleasant, crisp and usually clear, even in the California smog areas. Angela, on the other hand, IS a morning person. Thank heavens!
Angela is the one who takes the dogs on their morning walk when we are RVing. Yeah, she putters around the first fifteen minutes, but once she's up and going, there is no stopping her. She has the dogs on their three-way leash and is out the door. They're gone anywhere from fifteen to thirty minutes just soaking up the early rays of the sun and checking out all the fresh smells of the morning. When we're RVing up in wilds, there are lots of animal smells for the dogs to catch up. She usually gets a paper too. We aren't the type that turns on the TV, so we get our news from the morning newspaper 99% of the time. Yes, we occasionally catch a network news show if there is something going on - like 9-11, the economic mess we are in, or an issue (like Prop 8) that we are particularly interested in watching how it's progressing.
This morning, things got bollixed up. I'm the night person who takes the pups out for the 2 a.m. or 4 a.m. potty call. THIS morning, they woke; I stumbled out of bed and slipped on my blue jeans and jacket; I managed to get at least one eye open so I could get them on their leash, and out we went. Ten minutes later, we were back inside. I peered at the clock face and realized it was two minutes to 6 a.m. Dast, oh dear! Our alarm was set to go off at 6 a.m., so I'd let a perfectly good Angela-take-the-dogs-out opportunity go by. Horrors!
So, yep, this is another Best Thing About Being Married to a Transsexual, only this morning, I missed it.
Angela is the one who takes the dogs on their morning walk when we are RVing. Yeah, she putters around the first fifteen minutes, but once she's up and going, there is no stopping her. She has the dogs on their three-way leash and is out the door. They're gone anywhere from fifteen to thirty minutes just soaking up the early rays of the sun and checking out all the fresh smells of the morning. When we're RVing up in wilds, there are lots of animal smells for the dogs to catch up. She usually gets a paper too. We aren't the type that turns on the TV, so we get our news from the morning newspaper 99% of the time. Yes, we occasionally catch a network news show if there is something going on - like 9-11, the economic mess we are in, or an issue (like Prop 8) that we are particularly interested in watching how it's progressing.
This morning, things got bollixed up. I'm the night person who takes the pups out for the 2 a.m. or 4 a.m. potty call. THIS morning, they woke; I stumbled out of bed and slipped on my blue jeans and jacket; I managed to get at least one eye open so I could get them on their leash, and out we went. Ten minutes later, we were back inside. I peered at the clock face and realized it was two minutes to 6 a.m. Dast, oh dear! Our alarm was set to go off at 6 a.m., so I'd let a perfectly good Angela-take-the-dogs-out opportunity go by. Horrors!
So, yep, this is another Best Thing About Being Married to a Transsexual, only this morning, I missed it.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
What's it all about?
What's marriage all about anyway?
Love, caring, sharing, commitment, at least that's my answer. I think a lot of marriages have that. I also think a lot of them don't. My parents did, and my sister and I often talked about how hard it was to live up to that example. There is no question that those two people had all of those qualities in the 100% range. They'd easily die for one another, and, in fact, they did. My mother pined away while my father was in a nursing home recovering from a bought of pneumonia. She just didn't cope well without my father around, even though she saw him often, and for long periods. She dropped dead on her 80th birthday. Literally. My father returned home not long after her funeral, and he was gone within a year. He cried over her pictures nightly. At the funeral, my niece gave a beautiful eulogy about how when she'd come to visit she'd see them dancing together in the living room - sometimes to music only they heard, and sometimes to something on the radio. She spoke of how they often touched one another, and how you could see love in their eyes whenever they looked at one another. When they spoke of each other they always had nice things to say, even if they were passing over a rough patch. Yes, they had a few fights in life, usually at night, after we kids were in bed, but they always went to bed together, and always had kisses in the morning over breakfast.
Our daughter would say the same things about us now. Now that Angela has transitioned, I mean. Before that, at least from the time she was in 3rd or 4th grade, we didn't get along well. David was reclusive, compulsive, depressed and critical. By the time our daughter had started school David and I were growing apart and starting to argue. I had become tired of always feeling "not good enough." He didn't want to leave the house unless he had to; he always criticized what I wore; he never liked the way I did almost anything - cleaned house, fixed dinner, loaded the dishwasher, folded the clothes - and yes, I altered how I did them often to suit his current needs. By the time she was in junior high school, we were two people living in the house, but we were living apart. We slept together, because sex was always good, but we could no longer cope. Our arguments were loud and not pleasant.
Then there was a dramatic change! David told me he'd been hiding his need to be a woman. I told him that was okay, and we moved forward to allowing him to cross-dress. We got counseling for our marriage, and after a time, finally discovered that all that bad behavior came from his suppressing who he needed to be - ANGELA! Once we found the right councilor, blessings on her, and David began to follow the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care, our lives changed completely. Angela was a happy person - the depression was gone, and with it went the compulsively and reclusiveness. She was the life of the party, finally free to be who she had to be. We began to kid with one another; we began to go out - often. And, my hurt feelings about all the criticism disappeared, because I understood David was projecting Angela on to me. He wanted me to be who he couldn't be!!! Duh! Why hadn't we seen that all along? So, when David became Angela, I didn't need to fulfill that roll anymore. I was free to be me too!
NOW we have that marriage my parents had. Now we have our own lives, and it is great! We love one another more deeply than when we met and married. We share our souls now, not only our lives, but everything about ourselves. We are committed to one another more surely than ever before. What a treat it is to be married to a T!
Love, caring, sharing, commitment, at least that's my answer. I think a lot of marriages have that. I also think a lot of them don't. My parents did, and my sister and I often talked about how hard it was to live up to that example. There is no question that those two people had all of those qualities in the 100% range. They'd easily die for one another, and, in fact, they did. My mother pined away while my father was in a nursing home recovering from a bought of pneumonia. She just didn't cope well without my father around, even though she saw him often, and for long periods. She dropped dead on her 80th birthday. Literally. My father returned home not long after her funeral, and he was gone within a year. He cried over her pictures nightly. At the funeral, my niece gave a beautiful eulogy about how when she'd come to visit she'd see them dancing together in the living room - sometimes to music only they heard, and sometimes to something on the radio. She spoke of how they often touched one another, and how you could see love in their eyes whenever they looked at one another. When they spoke of each other they always had nice things to say, even if they were passing over a rough patch. Yes, they had a few fights in life, usually at night, after we kids were in bed, but they always went to bed together, and always had kisses in the morning over breakfast.
Our daughter would say the same things about us now. Now that Angela has transitioned, I mean. Before that, at least from the time she was in 3rd or 4th grade, we didn't get along well. David was reclusive, compulsive, depressed and critical. By the time our daughter had started school David and I were growing apart and starting to argue. I had become tired of always feeling "not good enough." He didn't want to leave the house unless he had to; he always criticized what I wore; he never liked the way I did almost anything - cleaned house, fixed dinner, loaded the dishwasher, folded the clothes - and yes, I altered how I did them often to suit his current needs. By the time she was in junior high school, we were two people living in the house, but we were living apart. We slept together, because sex was always good, but we could no longer cope. Our arguments were loud and not pleasant.
Then there was a dramatic change! David told me he'd been hiding his need to be a woman. I told him that was okay, and we moved forward to allowing him to cross-dress. We got counseling for our marriage, and after a time, finally discovered that all that bad behavior came from his suppressing who he needed to be - ANGELA! Once we found the right councilor, blessings on her, and David began to follow the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care, our lives changed completely. Angela was a happy person - the depression was gone, and with it went the compulsively and reclusiveness. She was the life of the party, finally free to be who she had to be. We began to kid with one another; we began to go out - often. And, my hurt feelings about all the criticism disappeared, because I understood David was projecting Angela on to me. He wanted me to be who he couldn't be!!! Duh! Why hadn't we seen that all along? So, when David became Angela, I didn't need to fulfill that roll anymore. I was free to be me too!
NOW we have that marriage my parents had. Now we have our own lives, and it is great! We love one another more deeply than when we met and married. We share our souls now, not only our lives, but everything about ourselves. We are committed to one another more surely than ever before. What a treat it is to be married to a T!
Friday, October 17, 2008
Don't forget
Don't forget all the ones you love, even when you are concerned and concentrating on one with a problem. Perhaps I should say especially when you are concentrating on one with a problem. I've been worried about a close relative, and our granddaughter's croup caught up with me! I was concentrating on the one with the problem and missed the bad cold. Yes, I mentioned that she had a stuffy nose, but just a couple of days later, she was in the hospital. Not long after that, I had my mind on my newly diagnosed with diabetes dog, and I failed to notice a growing problem in another dog. Now, surgery is scheduled for her. Similar things happen with friends, so, the lesson here is don't be so wrapped up in one that you fail to keep an eye on others just as close. It doesn't matter if its family, friends, or pets. I've learned my lesson, so I thought I'd pass it on to my readers.
Now, all that being said, given all of the above, Angela has been a huge help with support on all fronts. There have been lots of extra phone calls to the family member, and then trips to the hospital and extra phone calls for the granddaughter. Angela has been a huge help with giving shots as I learned my way through that. It's a two person deal. I do the "pokes," but Angela handles the analysis and all the other "stuff." She was right there with me when we took Kathryn, the "other" dog into the vet, and she helped with the exam and X-rays. She'll be there for the after care too. I know I couldn't have always said that before she was a T! She's as involved with babysitting the granddaughter as I am. Before, the dogs were strictly mine. Now, she's as attached to them as I am. So, I am again, so very glad to have my Transsexual spouse!
Please vote NO on Prop 8 if you live in California!
Now, all that being said, given all of the above, Angela has been a huge help with support on all fronts. There have been lots of extra phone calls to the family member, and then trips to the hospital and extra phone calls for the granddaughter. Angela has been a huge help with giving shots as I learned my way through that. It's a two person deal. I do the "pokes," but Angela handles the analysis and all the other "stuff." She was right there with me when we took Kathryn, the "other" dog into the vet, and she helped with the exam and X-rays. She'll be there for the after care too. I know I couldn't have always said that before she was a T! She's as involved with babysitting the granddaughter as I am. Before, the dogs were strictly mine. Now, she's as attached to them as I am. So, I am again, so very glad to have my Transsexual spouse!
Please vote NO on Prop 8 if you live in California!
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Getting Ready
I always seem to be getting ready to do something. More often than not, it's getting ready to get ready to do something. That's just not how it should be. In other words, something always comes along that sidetracks me while I'm doing all my "prep" work to finish up a project or two. Of course, the fact that I usually have more than one project at hand could have something to do with why they don't all get done in a timely fashion - including my blog. Angela, on the other hand, always seems to start a job and finish it before tackling another. That's not to say that distractions don't take her away from her primary task from time to time, but she's usually pretty dead on. I think that may be a more male trait that has hung on. I see that many women always are doing umpteen things at once. Perhaps that's because it's hard to focus on just one thing when one has children, much less children and job! So, we tend to multitask better. The good news is, Angela's transition let her multitask and keep on track. How's that for a Best Thing About Being Married to a T?
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Life Happens
Goodness, it's been nearly a month since I was on this blog. Believe me that it wasn't because of lack of interest. Time just disappears when one's life has a few small blips that are unexpected. Those same blips make me appreciate the things I love all the more however. Our middle dog, Snowball's Chance, became quite ill, and I rushed her to our trusted vet. She has diabetes. That came up quite suddenly and took us completely by surprise. While being a doctor might have been a fanciful dream of mine when I was a kid, having to poke my dog to get a little spot of blood to test, give shots, and keep her happy through all of that has shown me that it's a good thing I didn't become a doctor. No, I'm not squimish about blood in the least, but I am no professional about getting a little bead of blood to pop up. Who'd have thought that would have been hard? So, blessings on all of you who do it so well!
A family member has been going through dealing with serious depression. I'm a long ways away, but that doesn't make my concern less. It's frustrating to not be able to help other than to give advice and support. Blessings on all those professionals who help folks caught in the spiral of depression.
It's fall, and that means lots of yard work when one has 2.5+ acres to tend to. Mowing is a full day of work, and that's with only a break for lunch. Bless all you pro gardeners out there, I wish I could afford to have you help with this yard more frequently than only when we are away for more than 2 weeks!
Now, all those things are going on, and when one makes a short list, they don't seem like much, but they use up physical and mental time, because they are added to the day to day things we do and already keep us pretty busy. The good thing I have on my team is Angela! She's always there when we are babysitting. I'm not a morning person, so she takes care of the early part of the day. She's also a great relief pitcher when I'm just out of sorts or maxed out on dealing with a toddler. She's the strong arm in the yard, doing all the trimming with chain saws, details like hedges and edging that would otherwise add hours to the job. She is a wonderful support with a nice back rub or back scratch when my emotions are frazzled with worry about my depressed family member. She's right at my side as we deal with our little dog. She takes the hard job of doing the poking at getting the bead of blood, or she handles the monitor portion. The bottom line is she's always there, my loving help mate. The lines of who's job is what and how it's done have all gone away. We share the jobs and projects at hand and we make them special. So, Angela is my ace in hand, so yep, this is another Best Thing about being married to a T!
A family member has been going through dealing with serious depression. I'm a long ways away, but that doesn't make my concern less. It's frustrating to not be able to help other than to give advice and support. Blessings on all those professionals who help folks caught in the spiral of depression.
It's fall, and that means lots of yard work when one has 2.5+ acres to tend to. Mowing is a full day of work, and that's with only a break for lunch. Bless all you pro gardeners out there, I wish I could afford to have you help with this yard more frequently than only when we are away for more than 2 weeks!
Now, all those things are going on, and when one makes a short list, they don't seem like much, but they use up physical and mental time, because they are added to the day to day things we do and already keep us pretty busy. The good thing I have on my team is Angela! She's always there when we are babysitting. I'm not a morning person, so she takes care of the early part of the day. She's also a great relief pitcher when I'm just out of sorts or maxed out on dealing with a toddler. She's the strong arm in the yard, doing all the trimming with chain saws, details like hedges and edging that would otherwise add hours to the job. She is a wonderful support with a nice back rub or back scratch when my emotions are frazzled with worry about my depressed family member. She's right at my side as we deal with our little dog. She takes the hard job of doing the poking at getting the bead of blood, or she handles the monitor portion. The bottom line is she's always there, my loving help mate. The lines of who's job is what and how it's done have all gone away. We share the jobs and projects at hand and we make them special. So, Angela is my ace in hand, so yep, this is another Best Thing about being married to a T!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)